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9/16/2003

 
| The Loneliness of the Black Coffee Drinker


I drink my coffee black.

Black --– as in nothing but coffee in my cup.

No milk.

No sugar.

No sugar substitute and no non-dairy creamer.

I don’t need chocolate sprinkles in my coffee, nor do I need nutmeg -- let alone cinnamon.

Simple, but so hard for people to comprehend.

Everytime I order coffee I order it black. Everytime I order (black) coffee I am asked if I want cream and sugar. And, since I asked for black coffee, I don't need cream or sugar. They must not believe me because everytime I am given packets of sugar and little cups of cream -- which I promptly throw away. . .

Because I drink my coffee black.

Sometimes, you run across a self service coffee bar. Seems perfect for the black coffee drinker because I pour my own coffee; which I drink black. All I do is pay for the cup and pour my coffee; cream and sugar free. But this style of coffee service has its own pitfalls.

With my empty coffee cup in hand, I must wait for those ahead of me to slowly mix the perfect combination of sugar, cream and coffee into their cup. You see, the people ahead of me never drink their coffee black (as I do) and they are always very particular as to the exact amount of non-coffee product they put in their coffee cup. I have learned this is an exact science which, apparently, can not be rushed.

So I sit and wait for the privilege of pouring my own coffee (black) into my cup.

I hate going into coffee houses like Starbucks and the like. There is always one coffee pourer working at the shop and a line of thirty coffee buyers. But the people ahead of me never order coffee -- they always order triple double caramel foam latte diet mocha kava kava French roast Columbian enhanced coffee with a chilled raspberry syrup shot on the side. Those take a very long time to make.

I do not like flavored coffee. I like coffee flavored coffee. If I ask for coffee (black) I am always asked what flavor I want. I think there should be a Federal law requiring normal flavored coffee to be assumed the flavor of choice unless you tell your coffee server differently.

I wasn't exactly honest when I told you I want nothing in my coffee. I do like one thing -- caffeine.

My coffee must have caffeine in it ; otherwise there is no point to drinking my (black) coffee. Please do not try to convince me otherwise. I do not drink decaf. And please, don't try to trick me by giving me ½ caffeine ½ decaf and tell me I won't notice; because I will.

Finally, if you come to my house and I offer you a cup of coffee do not expect it to be flavored coffee. I might have sugar and milk to offer you but I may not. The coffee will not be decaf and it will have caffeine.

If this is a problem I suggest the tea.

And the tea I drink is Earl Grey. . .

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